Between long college school days to hard working nights and intense dance practices... my mind is drifting elsewhere.
I wake up looking at the creative things that I want to accomplish within the day...and do n o t h i n g.
Everyday, my mind is used to being full with information that taking a break from school work and thinking still has me exhausted. I was thinking to myself, "When I get a break that's my chance to work on my creatives!" But, I was wrong in thinking so because I didn't know how tired out I was. At this point I can only say..."Sorry, I'm absent." I also know that no one blames me but myself. Any faults that one may have are always criticized by oneself. We are our WORST critic.
I'm rambling on about things that never make sense, as if I'm writing in first person addressing only to myself. I want to apologize to myself, but it's really NOT wrong to feel tired and exhausted. Or, to look at yourself in a critical way...
But, the goal of solving a mind's exhaustion is to love oneself. So, even when it gets difficult remember to take it easy on yourself as hard as that sounds, even when you are critical to yourself. Being critical means that there will be change. Loving yourself means that the change will be GREAT.
Discouraged is how I feel, at least it's how I often feel. Like these words crammed to an edge, but pushed by my own hands...
Being in a small town outside of the WORLD...
One reason why I always feel like my creativity is not going anywhere could be at fault with my environment even though other factors can be changed by myself. I don't live in any big city that I would wish to live in. Opportunities are there for you to search for them, but a lot more simple when you live in an environment that can give opportunities. I know I'm only a college student right now and shouldn't be worry about much, but I always feel that my little town is holding me back. Every day I think to myself, "There is nothing here" and that I'm compressed in this box. I can only do so much and only time will permit me to as long as I work hard towards it.
In my little town there aren't creative people that I can meet up with like in the larger cities. I would often travel far distances to see people or not travel at all since all cities are so far from where I live. Neither is my city anywhere near spectacular or photo worthy. But, I shouldn't compare my life with others or be discouraged from being so limited. Being limited is how we all should grow. Will I move? Of course because environment psychologically affects an individual a ton. Even if I can't move now there will be a time when I can finally move out of this little town and into a bigger city. Right now I will make of what I have and try my best.
Things don't come easy for everyone and that's how it is.
I remember hearing that everyone has a different "time" for everything. If I'm not able to do something now doesn't mean that time wouldn't permit me to do so in the future.
So with that said, nothing is too late. Fight with me and when you find discouragement, pick it up again, this time pushing harder!
New Vlog channel and new vlog is up! I created a second channel mainly for vlogs so that it doesn't interfere with my first channel. Since I have been creating more vlogs lately, I thought now's the time to create a second channel documenting my life and adventures. This is also a way for me to go back and look at the memories made. This is one of the reasons I create vlogs in the first place. I hope you can check out my new video and vlogs in the future! New Journeys are to come and I hope the best for this channel and hope that there will be many adventures to come!
Go subscribe if you haven't already! ♡♡♡
here is a day to type out my thoughts...
I guess not everything needs structure, right? I even think to myself if anyone will ever read this, if anyone will have a reaction to it, or if anyone cares enough to read all the information. I admit that I don't always write with a structure in mind, something planned, or even go back to read what I've written. OH those countless classes of English and I still can't write a proper statement about how I feel. xD
I guess that's what I'm good at, I justify all those times that I do something wrong as if someone will kill me if I don't. Then you might ask at this moment, what I'm going on talking about in this post. I know that life doesn't have to be perfect, and I don't need to justify my rights or wrongs to anyone, but we are the type of people that seem to give an apology even when we're right. Silly, isn't it?
This is what I do on here, I type about my thoughts and I share them with you whether you read it or not. Maybe, I could be the only one reading. So, I understand that I don't need to justify everything I say or do, but I've always done so. Let's just slowly get rid of those thoughts...
Let me just TRY to express with no justifications and judgement of right and wrong. Every idea can be abstract. Okay, Sun, let's go.
This VAGUE topic
This is what I have been planning the first couple weeks of my Sophomore year in college. The question is, what am I going to do in the FUTURE? I'm not just asking this for myself, but I know many people in other college programs have it harder to find jobs then other majors with a higher rate of finding a job. At this moment, it's not the "searching for a job" part that I'm concerned with, but the part I'm concerned with is what I really want to do. Having a Computer Science major in the beginning open doors to many many software engineering jobs, designing jobs, and coding jobs. But, Engineering Management is a whole world of it's own. It opens the book to a world that I find much better, much more exciting, yet more scary. It seems like something where I would be on my own, no one to tell me where to start or how to go about it. Even from the beginning this seemed like the path that I would choose. I know this is right for me, but afraid of the outcomes.
TIME is the biggest factor, the biggest question is that there is so much that I want to do but I don't know when there will be a time to finish everything. I don't know what this program will put me into (the kind of career, the type of work, the type of emotions). I don't know when I will have time to learn the "so much more" things I want to learn in life.
I know I'm not alone doing this, but it's not the same as what others would do. This ambition is not what everyone strives for. I know that I wouldn't want to stay in one place or stick to one thing, so I continue to learn. I might even spend my whole LIFE learning about new things.
Okay, I'm going on a tangent. Let's go back to my explanation about time.
This is what I want to do:
-Engineering Management Co-op
-Build a artistic career
I mean that list goes on... There are things that I want to accomplish in a span of a couple years that may not be possible. Studying abroad is something you do while in school, which I don't know where that fits in my plan of studies. Co-op is mandatory for my program, and a little part of me is afraid that I won't find an internship I would love. If that happens then I don't know where to get started with finding a career after I graduate, but I know it's too early to understand the outcomes.
After I graduate I still want to do things like travel and visit family. But, truthfully how can I have a job and do these things at the same time? What if I want to travel multiple times a year, which just may seem impossible. Some future I still want to study Cosmetology, because it's something I have a passion for. I also want to learn code in other languages besides C++ and C#. I want to build my YouTube career. Learn new artistic skills. && Dance more, but when?
I'm not sure.
Cherish That Present Moment
These are just the ideas that I've had. I know that as long as I keep these things in mind, I would strive to achieve them. The best would be to live day by day in happiness knowing that everything will be great in the end.
Maybe, I won't be able to accomplish everything in the time spans that are given to me, but at least I know that if I died tomorrow I had ambitions to do things and I was content with the way I am now. ♡♡♡
If you ever have any thoughts, feelings, etc. You can always reach out to me. I am no therapist, but I can always be a friend to speak to <3
Sunday, August 8th.
For some reason every time I write this topic comes up somewhere. This is because all the adventures, fun, food, and friends that I hangout with revolve around HAPPINESS. I know enough to give you advice on how to be happy, but not enough to direct you every step of the way. I'm no psychologist or therapist, but I just learn the idea my reading and living it.
Make it top priority.
If someone came and asked me what I want most in life, my answer would be to be happy as much as I can. It's an idea for you to grab if you want. I never studied it on purpose but reading The Pursuit of Happiness and being in a psychology class once, makes me understand how to be happy a little more. The book of course goes in depth about it.
Remember that whenever you feel like you can't get back up, try your best to find the positive light because happiness is your priority.
Where does it come from?
EVERYWHERE and NOWHERE. Yeah...sounds a little crazy. I can't say that it all comes from within because a lot of it has to do with your surroundings. MOST of this idea DOES come from within because it is in your control. When you lose that control to feel happy, just change a couple of things in life and you will gain that control again. People call those "obstacles" and you must overcome them to feel that you are in control again. This obstacle for me most of the time is stress and once I finish something, change something, or relieve the stress is when I can gain full control of happiness again. Even though you know you don't have control or that you have obstacles to go over, don't ever say to yourself that you aren't in control. This is what makes people give up, and it's harder to get back up from giving up than to go over an obstacle.
Sadly, it's not absolute.
Sometimes I hate this, I really do, but it's how life is. Everything will end and nothing will be "forever". I know this sounds sad and it's not something you would tell a person that is constantly in a depressed state, but I'm telling you because it's the truth. I thought that things lasted forever or that this happiness and euphoria I'm feeling can be permanent, but it can't. Happiness will change based on control and how many good and bad things that come your way. Maybe you even see it in my posts. One post I'll be stressed and the next I'll be happy. It just happens to be that way, but don't think that you're the only one having this feeling. Feeling like your are the only one makes you think that other people have absolute happiness while you don't and that's not the case.
What makes people the most happy?
This can determine from person to person, but I really recommend reading books on happiness to get some ideas. You may not know what makes you happy the longest. Let me tell you that buying things and having possessions are the most temporary type of happiness. Experiences is what makes people the most happy the longest. Going places and doing things you love let's you remember that particular event forever. I'm so glad I found this out! The explanation is that you will go back to think of that particular event and that creates the same euphoria of you experiencing that event. This is the same with doing activities you love, hanging out with the ones you cherish, trying new food, and seeing wonders of the world.
There's many other small things that make people happy like changes in life and the people around them.
Go out there and see what is new to try, what you will enjoy doing, what you can change for the better, and you will soon find yourself to be more and more happy. You will soon find it easier to go over those obstacles when they come your way, and trust me it will feel a lot better and your happiness level will increase.
Remember that I'm no doctor, but just a friend to give advice because this topic is something that I constantly struggle with, I know it's better when things are talked about than held in. Thank you! ♡
Here it is.
Saturday, August 6th.
The overall visual of my summer is practically all on Instagram and on YouTube, but it always feels like there is something missing when I don't write about it. I guess in writing it feels like you can express a lot more. My summer started in May and that was my last post on here also. Three months have gone by so quickly and I feel like there have been many changes in my life.
I wouldn't say that life gets any better or any worse but that it has changed, just like how anything changes.
Physical change includes me gaining more weight (because of going out to eat for the summer), cutting my hair, and wearing different clothes because of my weight gain. It's not really dramatic since it's gradual, but it is enough to buy new pants and throw out tight fitting shirts. I also can't help not going out to eat as my friend stays with me for this summer vacation so it makes me want to go out with him a lot to try new food and food that I haven't even tried before.
I'm not ready to share my emotional changes yet, but all I need to see from myself is that I'm happy and I need to continue to be happy. Appreciating the little things around me and be grateful for the things I have.
Here is my little overview of what happened so far this summer:
The details of the food are all in my vlogs^^ This makes me love making vlogs because I'm able to share my life and I love having a blog to share my thoughts and feelings.
Thank you for following and I hope to hear from you soon!
&& Here is my latest vlog ^ <3
Wednesday, May 25th.
I guess it's only been a couple weeks of summer, and it seems so long, but I want it to be long. May is ending then comes June so of course I want the summer to drag on as long it can, because I don't know when there will be a summer like this again. Another summer where I'll have time for myself.
Even with the free and relaxing summer I have, I've been constantly trying to catch up with creating and editing YouTube videos, creating my Depop account, finding collaboration, and looking for new things. I've been reading books to get inspiration and learning new things even on vacation. I'm learning the things that I have a big passion for. I know that if I want to expand my YouTube channel and grow as a creator, then I need to work hard for it.
The planning doesn't stop during the summer as I now have time to make plans with friends and also get my sleep back in (whew!). This also includes having time to pamper myself, get fit, eat well, etc. And, as I start to plan things out it seems as if my calendar gets full and I won't have time left for other things, but if I don't over plan and relax a little then I'll get the free time to myself. three more months of summer, so that should be enough time to catch up and do the things I love.
I would sit here and explain all my summer plans, but I guess it's better to write it as it happens.
I'm really happy to say that I got hired to work at my school during the fall semester as a Student Instructor for Pre-Calculus. I'm quite excited to have a new job and new things to learn. In the mean time, I'll continue to work hard at the things I do. Working, creating, and finding time for friends and myself is not easy, but it's definitely something that keeps me productive and happy. ^^
Let's make it count~
Saturday, May 14th
Previous to my friend asking me the question, "What do you think it would be like if you hadn't started YouTube?" I had also pondered about this question. She mentioned that it would be like taking away the personality I have now.
I really don't know what I would be doing without creating content for others since it's my passion. I knew as a child that I wanted to pursue something that dealt with creativity knowing that I wasn't a creative person, but more so tried to be one.
I do think that people can be born with talents like drawing well, able to think fast, and have a mind of a engineer, but all I had was passion. Every day is a journey to learn more about the things I love to do whether it is creating content, blogging, photography, dance, and other things. I don't know if my content will take me anywhere, but I know that it's what I enjoy doing and that's whats important
Having CREATIVITY was something that I always strived for but never truly got a hold of. I tried all aspects of creativity since I was younger starting from realizing I couldn't draw well, tried to sing and be a part of the school choir, played the flute in band for 4 years, always a part of drama and theatre, taking a photography class in high school, doing others' hair and makeup, and also being a part of a dance team. These things helped me realize that I was better at some forms of creativity than others and my skills lacked more than most people, but my passion made me continue to try.
Since 2 years ago, I've had a passion to edit and create more and better content for my viewers. This actually made me feel secluded from the real world as I'm the only one out of groups of friends to have this online personality. I can't pick up things as easily as some people would nor do I have ideas to create content all the time.
But, it's not a passion to give up on no matter how many people tell me it's silly. To answer the first question, I don't know what it would be like if I didn't put myself online and put my content online for others around the world to see. It just became a part of me and makes me feel happy every day, and even writing like this is something I look forward to even if it takes away time and energy to do. Social media has created this world for me to expand my own creativity and in turn give me knowledge in order to learn more and create my own ideas. A passion shouldn't be something that is secondary or something that I would just give up on.
So, when people tell me how I do something creatively, the only answer I have is that I try and put all my energy into making creative content. And of course, it's not always easy, but nothing is done without the effort.
Even now I thank all those who have supported me and understood how much this passion means to me. I know that I am just an individual living in a rural town trying to share knowledge to the world, so when I find out that someone knows me or admires my content I still get surprised. I don't have a big following nor is my content the most innovative, yet I'm glad I still have those that enjoy it. That's what I'm here for no matter who it is that's watching or reading, my goal is that you got something little out of it or that it made you smile.
☽ If you have any inquires would you like if I made a video on this topic? I would also love to discuss my future content plans and putting passion on the same level as education. What do you think? && Thank you again for all your support!☽
Thursday, May 12th
I guess it could be the feeling of finally fitting in somewhere effortlessly. I think it's enough to say that about the dance team I was with for the whole school year. In no way do they validate who I am or completely take away all the sad feelings I may have at times, but they make you appreciate those around you. Even if loneliness is present when I'm by myself, the feeling is not present when I'm with them.
There's around 19 people that are a part of the dance team now and it continues to grow bigger and bigger, yet it's amazing that we are so connected to each other and that we don't form our little cliques. We perform together, and we all bond together. Even if it doesn't stay like this for long it really does make me appreciate those around me more because I learned to have this team connectedness with all the members.
They all understand that little things MATTER. And that, each person's feelings need to be sought after and cared for. Through this school year that's what I felt like. Even when I had the idea of leaving the team, something brought me back and that was friendship that we had. It's not something that I can explain properly, but that was the reason I was back. I originally joined to make new friends despite some people telling me that you join a dance team to just learn about dance, but that's not how we were. I saw the love that we had for one another once we took the time out to celebrate events with each other and take the time to simply ask the whole group if we want to eat together for lunch.
The numerous times that the team cared for me and did things for me made me feel a part of something, but doing so effortlessly.
Whether those times included: having our small talks, bonfire for my birthday, going out to eat, playing Mafia at my house, or simply telling me I'm beautiful without makeup makes me feel appreciated and makes me appreciate. Those are the times that I can just live in the moment and continue to live in the moment. I can't say that my personality had totally changed by those on the team, but there are things that I realize I'm lucky to have and that I should appreciate more. Something that I will never forget as we all work together and have fun together.
We are even vulnerable enough to be emotional together, and that's when I know that each person on the team has let go of themselves and opened up to each other. That's how we define our friendship.
If any of you are reading this right now, I love all of you and thank you for your endless amounts of care! ♡♡
Tuesday, May 10th.
I will follow up with a topic that's exactly opposite of this loneliness feeling. So...there's no exact words to put it so I'm just going to rant on about this topic.
I'm sure that the feeling of loneliness is something that we as humans feel from one time to another. I have inquired the question in an Instagram post once asking, "What are your biggest fears" and some people answered with the fear of being alone. I can't agree to that more than I already do, because that's the same thing I fear and sometimes even feel.
WHY DO WE FEEL THIS WAY?
As the emotional beings we are, we can't live without people surrounding us. It gives a sense of comfort and belonging. Maybe this has started with evolution, same goes that an economy can't grow without the help of others. We are social beings that want others around us so we end up feeling alone when we lose that sense. A humans emotions are based off of the way others interact with them and those feelings include: trust, honesty, loyalty, and love. So then, we have this sense to make others happy in order to make ourselves happy and vise versa. As an independent being, it's a topic that's hard to grasp. I often feel like I need to do things without others, but the truth is that not everything can be done without the help of others. This fear is what makes relationships with others so important. Relationships are proven to be the top cause of the way we feel whether it be happy or unhappy.
WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY?
I guess...the only way I can feel better is to explain and say it in this way. Some people can be more emotional than others. I've had feelings of loneliness every since I was a child. I've always felt that I didn't fit into society's norms or have a group of friends that made me feel like I was a part of something. To this day I still remember the time before I went to sleep when I was ten years old, crying to my mom that I felt like I had no friends. At the time, I really didn't know that the feeling was, but all I knew was that I felt hurt inside. Now, no matter how many friends I attain, I still continue to feel that same feeling of loneliness from time to time. There are days were I feel like I don't fit into the group of friends or that one day I will grow apart from a friend. I also have feelings that the friends I have now don't see me as much of a friend as I see them. I guess it could be the things of the unknown that scares people. I have learned about relationships in psychology before and these feels can diminish once a strong relationship is established and once the person feels better about themselves. The feelings can also change by establishing healthy lifestyles and creating a better mental health.
Having feelings of loneliness become difficult for those that go through the same feelings. I'm the type of person that loves establishing relationships and become extroverted with having a connection with others, but finds it difficult to create those relationships. I also tend to blame it on my short comings whether it is my looks, the way I act, or my personality. This is when I tell myself to not think that way, but it is difficult and overcoming those feelings are also difficult. But, I remind myself that I'm not the only one that feels this way, and to appreciate those around me is the best I can do for myself and for others.
Remember that I'll be here for you~
Thanks for visiting my loves!
Hey^^ Thanks for visiting my page. I hope you enjoy the content, and feel free to comment if you like~